The Apple iPhone® has revolutionized various things in my life. Thanks to Verizon's® coast to coast coverage and 4G LTE network (except, for some reason, in West Virginia), I am always just a few awkward thumb strokes away from whatever arcane piece of trivia I may be lacking at that second. It is easier than ever to check my calendar, as well as keep it up to date - guess which one I do. On long trips, I can binge listen to whatever weird podcast I have discovered recently. But perhaps the best thing is how my phone has transformed being ON HOLD. 

Photo by Michael Daines

I hate being ON HOLD.

Being ON HOLD is worse than picking the short line at the grocery store, only to discover that the old woman ahead of you is writing a check, but her address is a PO box and she doesn't know her 911 street address because she has lived there since the Revolutionary War and they didn't have 911 then, or house numbers, or checks. 

In case you're wondering, yes, that happened. Yesterday. The manager came over twice. I had two items.

Thanks, Obama!*

Being ON HOLD is worse than that - or at least is was. 

BUT NOT ANYMORE.

Now, when I call the Xfinity® people, or the Dish Network® people, or the Anthem ® people, or even Verizon®, I can simply put the phone on speaker, and go about my business, secure in the knowledge that, when and if a live person comes on the line, I can just maneuver back toward the phone and share my tale of woe, or ask my burning question.

It's actually gotten even easier; a few weeks ago, my computer and my iPad® began to ring when my phone rings! And I can talk through them! Right there! No phone! I don't know why!

Some might call this 'multitasking,' a trendy work to describe what mothers have been doing since before time, but I disagree. Being ON HOLD is not a task; it is the waiting to do a task. What I have discovered is a way to do something while I'm waiting to do something. And I am pretty impressed with myself.

Photo by Tom Simpson

That's me on the left, I think.

Now, a few observations: first off, if you figured this out a long time ago, perhaps even in the hard-wired, party line, heavy black bakelite phone days - just keep it to yourself. 

Next, and more to the point, one might assume all this ON HOLD business is a metaphor. This being a vaguely theological blog post, and all, one would be correct.

If you have been following along at home, you'll remember the cervical fusion surgery that included a side of vocal cord paralysis, and the enforced quiet that ensued. Well, the vocal cord is still paralyzed, but thanks to a nifty procedure on December 23, my left vocal fold now resembles Angelina Jolie's upper lip - that is, fat and full of collagen.

Photo by cliff1066™

ACTUAL ENDOSCOPE PHOTO.

This allows me to speak, in a voice that is recognizably me, if by 'me' one means 'old Burgess Meredith with a bad cold.' This is a temporary procedure, a sort of a 'fat bridge' intended to mollify me and give the nerve time to recover, which the doctors say may still happen. 

Others tell me it will get better, either because of their experience with similar complications or their unbridled confidence in the power of prayer. Me, I'm not so sure. 

I am depressed, certainly, and naturally a bit pessimistic, which does color my expectations for the future. I continue to pray with confidence, but the fact is, I am too well aware of how little I understand of God's big picture to expect that for which I pray.

Photo by Manuel Barje

After all, I wish for this

...and still drive THIS.

All this means that I am ON HOLD. 

I do not know whether I will sound like a broken down boxing trainer for the rest of my life.

Photo by Jason Matthews

One thing I will promise: I will never tell anyone 

they're going to 'eat lightning and crap thunder.' 

I do not know if I will ever sing again.

Photo by Bryan Maciel

Or I may become the voice of a generation.

I DO NOT KNOW. And I hate that.

  

Wise ones have counseled me to have patience, but in this case, patience feels to me a lot like holding the phone, tethered to the wall, handset held up to my good ear, making it sweat, listening to cheesy muzak and staring into space. 

Instead, I have chosen to turn on the metaphorical speaker, put down the metaphorical phone, and get on with life. If something good happens, I'll be ready shout and holler and sing; but until then, I'm just going to deal with the other stuff.

                                                  'Sisyphus' by Matthäus Loder

I can probably find something to fill the time.

Once again this seems to be all about me, and it is; but it might also be about you, too. Life puts us all ON HOLD from time to time; the question is, how do YOU respond?

32 “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. 33 Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when that time will come.34 It’s like a man going away: He leaves his house and puts his servants in charge, each with their assigned task, and tells the one at the door to keep watch.

35 “Therefore keep watch because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back—whether in the evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or at dawn. 36 If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping. 37 What I say to you, I say to everyone: ‘Watch!’” 

Mark 13, New International Version

*Photo by Embajada de Estados Unidos en Bolivia
All images are subject to the Creative Commons license.